Kevin Bronson on April 10th, 2014

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We are not given to making lists, but the Coachella Valley Music & Arts Festival forces some sort of prioritization, doesn’t it? Since I can only only count to 5, these are nice and short. So be polite, stay hydrated, pray for strong cell signals, protect your skin and ears and don’t ingest anything a stranger gives you. See? Five things.

This year’s Coachella is populated by reliable headliners, strong second- and third-liners, a great undercard and enough EDM to melt your facepaint. We’re sorry if you hate it or didn’t get a ticket.

Following are lists based on the annual battle between what I want to see, what I feel compelled to see and what I am curious to see. And what I’d tell somebody who texts me and says, “I’m getting to Coachella at 4 o’clock on Friday – where should I go first?” (Answer: Aloe Blacc.)

Set times time are here, by the way.

Five Sets You Shouldn’t Miss Unless You’ve Passed Out at the Do Lab

Outkast (11:30 Friday at the Main Stage): Hey, this one seems pretty unanimous, right? Read what the Times wrote. I just became the 55,829,095th view of the video.

The Knife (10:30 Friday at the Outdoor Theatre): First show in these parts since Bush was president, and it figures to be sonic and visually spectacular, not to mention posing a challenge: Can you keep up with the Dreijer troupe’s “D.E.E.P.  aerobicist?” See our review of Wednesday’s show.

The Afghan Whigs (6:40 Friday in the Mojave Tent): Real rock band.

Future Islands (7:05 Saturday in the Gobi Tent): Their album is called “Singles,” and every one of them will make you dance, and Everyman frontman Samuel T. Herring looks like an insurance adjuster showing off his stellar dance moves on  karaoke night. Such fun.

Blood Orange (5:15 Sunday at the Outdoor Theatre): It took me a while to come around to “Cupid Deluxe,” the album that Dev Hynes released in November. Now I’m thinking his Sunday sunset set might be one of those transcendent desert moments.

Five Bands You Can Tell Your Cool Uncle in Akron You Caught

The Replacements (8:45 Friday at the Outdoor Theatre): I imagine your uncle is named Roger, and he’s been telling you how much better “Tim” is than all the crappy garage bands you listen to. So tell him you heard “Alex Chilton” so he can say, “Yeah, but it was only half the original lineup.” Jerk.

The Pixies (8:50 Saturday in the Mojave Tent): “Indie Cindy.” Really?  Again, Rog is gonna say, “Yeah, but where was Kim Deal?” Just make sure you know who she is when he asks that.

Pet Shop Boys (11:35 Saturday in the Mojave Tent): You will appear so erudite for skipping Skrillex (who’s playing in the adjacent tent) to hear some real legends.

Neutral Milk Hotel (6:35 Sunday at the Outdoor Theatre): I truly believe this set will be the festival equivalent of taking your vitamins.

Motorhead (9:50 Sunday in the Mojave Tent): Because when your uncle Rog wasn’t listening to all those bands that impressed the girls in his English Lit class, he was in the garage using power tools and jamming to Lemmy.

Five Great Bands You’ll Miss Because You Are Trying Futilely to Look Cool at That Corporate Day Party

The Preatures (12:30 p.m. Friday at the Main Stage): An excellent way to kick off things on the big stage, but how many people will still be in the parking lot?

Jagwar Ma (3:20 Friday in the Gobi Tent): Bummer that the Aussies Most Likely to Incite a Retro Rave are playing a midafternoon set.

Ty Segall (2:55 Saturday at the Outdoor Theatre): Out of the garage and into the blistering afternoon sunshine – stay hydrated, kids.

Trombone Shorty & Orleans Avenue (12:40 Sunday at the Main Stage): Real NOLA flavor at Coachella? Fantastic. But this time slot is just plain wrong. (See also: Preservation Hall Jazz Band at 1:20 p.m. Sunday.)

Bo Ningen (Noon Sunday in the Gobi Tent): The London-based Japanese quartet raised all sorts of hell at SXSW. This is where unhinged meets off the hook.

Five Conflicts That Have Me Befuddled (But That Just Might Be Me)

The Replacements (8:45-9:55 Friday at the Outdoor Theatre) vs. Bryan Ferry (9:15-10:15 in the Mojave Tent). That’s a long sprint for middle-agers.

MGMT (7:05 Saturday at the Main Stage) vs. Future Islands (7:05 in the Gobi Tent). Last time I witnessed MGMT, they had upped their game considerably.

Ty Segall (2:55 Saturday at the Outdoor Theatre) vs. Temples (2:40 in the Mojave Tent). U.K. psych-rockers Temples were one of my SXSW favorites. But seeing Segall overheat his young fans has a certain appeal.

Queens of the Stone Age (9:40 Saturday at the Main Stage) vs. Mogwai (10:05 in the Mojave Tent). Because Saturday night is made for loud. Mogwai is the loudest band I’ve ever heard at Coachella (2006). Coin toss.

Blood Orange (5:15 Sunday at the Outdoor Theatre) vs. Superchunk (5:10 in the Gobi Tent). Superchunk (genuflect). This one’s tough, but the venues are close to one another.

Five SoCal Artists We Recommend

Aloe Blacc (4:15 Friday in the Mojave Tent)

Haim (4:55 Friday at the Outdoor Theatre)

Shlomo (7 Friday in the Gobi Tent).

Banks (3:45 Saturday in the Gobi Tent)

Warpaint (6:15 Saturday in the Mojave Tent)

Postscript

Three Shows I’d Really, Really Hit This Weekend If Were in L.A. and Not at Coachella: Ruby Friedman has been spending time on the other coast recently, but she’s back in L.A. on Friday night for a show at the Hotel Café and she can really, really sing. … Eastern Conference Champions play the Viper Room on Saturday night; they have a new album in the works and it’s really, really good. … And the Grand Ole Echo kicks off another season Sunday night at the Echo with a really, really fun lineup including local “supergroup” the Jolenes (Grant Langston, Dan Janisch and David Serby).